


The Seminar

by bigbluepudding



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: AU, Crack, M/M, Misunderstandings, OC, bitches be cray, mandatory sexual harassment seminar, pre slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-27
Updated: 2013-04-26
Packaged: 2017-12-09 06:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigbluepudding/pseuds/bigbluepudding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John is stuck in a mandatory sexual harassment seminar when he meets Sherlock Holmes, a fellow deviant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Seminar

**Author's Note:**

> welp. Here is some crack for you all. Found this in the bottom of some folder and it made me giggle so I hope it makes you giggle.  
> Thanks to MelodramaticMrTails and hangsondoong who I think I forced to read this at some point. Other than that all mistakes (especially formatting ones) are all my own, and are the only thing I own because the Sherlock creators are a lot smarter than me.

“You look familiar, do I know you?” A deep voice said from next to him  
  
oh crap. this wasn’t how these things were supposed to go, were they? You show up, you do your time, and you leave. No one knows and no one talks more than they absolutely have to. John slowly turned to the man sitting next to him in the cheap plastic chairs. He inhaled at the sight of the new man. Dark curly hair and cheekbones that were so sharp they should have looked odd but suited the man perfectly. After staring for a couple of seconds at the startling man John realized that he was supposed to answer the question. “Err. Umm no I don’t think so. This is my first time here, of course, why would anyone come back? Not that there’s anything wrong with coming here twice! Well I guess there is something wrong with that because we are umm, well here.” Good job Watson, way to not sound like a crazy person.  
  
“I guess not then.” And with that man turned back around in his chair and faced forward with a finality that could not be denied. Luckily, a short perky woman walked into the room and saved John the inevitable uncomfortable silence that takes place after one makes a fool of one’s self.  
  
“Hello happy campers! My name is Tabitha and I am here to help you little deviants become better members of society. Welcome to our mandatory sexual harassment seminars!” The tiny woman acted as if being there was a privilege. “Now I know I see a couple of familiar faces” _wait seriously? ___“but I’ll go over the rules one more time just to be sure!” she said, beaming. The little blonde woman bobbed around while reciting the rules. Meanwhile John counted down the minutes in his head; 58 to go.  
  
1\. Only talk when you are holding the Rain Stick. _oh she can’t be serious ___  
2\. We are all here to share and help each other emotionally grow, so you must respect your fellow growers. _oh my god she’s serious ___  
3\. Fraternizing between members outside of group is prohibited! _wasn’t planning on it ___.  
52 to go. After going over the rules Tabitha introduced herself (again) and then looked directly at John.  
  
“Hello there dear! Why don’t you tell us your name and why you are here.” _Well crap. ___  
  
“Uhh me?” Tabitha nodded in a way that John supposed was meant to be encouraging but was far too enthusiastic “Well I'm Dr. John Watson.”  
  
“and?” Tabitha prompted, drawing out the word for emphasis.  
  
“And what?” John replied  
  
“Why are you here silly?”  
  
“Oh. that. Well I was going out with someone from legal and that person, who shall not be named, had a very sick sense of humor so they signed me up for this as a practical joke. Then we broke up and the joke became surprisingly less funny.”  
  
“Oh sweetie, you have a disease, and part of that disease is not accepting that you have a disease. John, the first step to overcoming your disease is to embrace the fact that you have a disease. Say it with me John; I have a disease.” John looked around in horror. This was not supposed to be happening. 48 to go  
  
“I don’t have a disease! Stop saying that word! I don’t belong here!”  
  
“Oh, that’s what all you deviants say!” Tabitha giggled. “But don’t worry John by the end of today we will have made great progress on your personal disease.” _Again with that word. ___  
  
“Oh please!” The deep-voiced man from earlier cut in. “Look at this man! Look at his shirt! He couldn’t hurt a fly. You on the other hand Tabitha are a very, very bad girl.” Tabitha looked a little surprised that the man spoke up but she seemed to be expecting his rudeness.  
  
“Oh, Sherlock it’s so great that you are finally contributing!” She beamed at him as if he hadn’t just accused her of being a ‘bad girl’, whatever that meant. She glanced down at her paper and looked up at the man called Sherlock. John was just relieved that Tabitha’s attention was finally off of him. “Now Sherlock, lets talk about those mean things you said to Ms. Hooper.”  
  
“Boring!” the man shouted, startling Tabitha. “Lets talk about you, Ms. Tabitha Newman, that would be much more fun!” Sherlock leaped up from his folding chair and started to circle Tabitha, making her squirm. “ex-smoker, three cats, one of which has a kidney stone, single at the moment but we both know why that is.” Tabitha began to stare at Sherlock with wide, frightened eyes. “Oh Tabitha Tabitha, you’ve been hitting the whiskey a bit hard lately haven’t you?” Tabitha began to shake “Well I’m assuming that’s due to your manic-depressive disorder. Your therapist is the one who recommended you take this job isn’t he? Well, that was before you slept with him.” Tears began to fall down the girl’s cheek and Sherlock went in for the kill, “and that’s why your husband left you. That’s why you killed him isn’t it? Because he was going to leave you. Because he was going to-” Tabitha suddenly leapt up and flung herself at Sherlock, her momentum pulling them both to the floor. Sherlock’s head hit the floor hard and he seemed to lose consciousness.  
  
“You bastard!” Tabitha screamed at the limp Sherlock, still sitting atop him. John decided it was time for him to step in so he grabbed the flailing women and pulled her off Sherlock. Once John had managed to drag Tabitha a couple of paces she crumpled and started sobbing in a heap. _One down one to go ___. John rushed forward to the unconscious man but before the doctor even starting checking him Sherlock started to try and sit up.  
  
“No, no stay down. I really am a doctor,” John tried to explain.  
  
“Of course you are! Have you seen your own shoes?” the man said adamantly.  
  
“Ok, you clearly have head trauma. You should come with me and get a full check up. Also we need to figure out what to do with Tabitha, we should call the police.” As if on cue two police officers stormed in.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! I will try to get off my butt soon and write the sequel but you know how these things go. Sorry...  
> If that's not good enough for you, here is an ending that was fueled by frustration and pure crack posted on my tumblr. (should be in no way taken seriously)  
> bigbluepudding (dot tumblr dot com) /post/48965569127/alternate-crack-ending-crack-for-the-crack-seminar


End file.
